Back To School

Oops! My ride came early yesterday and I'm at school now, so... no to time to spare! I'm hungry. So, the alpha nose-pickin' slacker has to go home now! Buh-bye!

Today is officially my last day of summer. Tomorrow is another year at BSU. Well, technically, I didn’t really go last year with all my problems. I withdrew last fall semester and tried to go again in the spring by keeping 2 classes, which I failed miserably. So, this year I have 2 classes, 6 credits and a $1,400+ bill. I still don’t know how I’m going to pay for that. I guess I’ll figure something out. So, altogether I have 3 full years of college under my tight belt and nothing but stress and a mountain of bills to show for it. But I’m so close to finishing I might as well tough it out.

Another reminder that my summer is almost over is that my youth softball team’s season ended yesterday with a 4th place finish. Not bad for a bunch of beginners! Go Wolf Pack!

Yet another alcohol free weekend has passed with no regrets. This is day 66. Good job, Jon. Thank you, Jon. You’re welcome, Jon… you sexy beast!

Where was I in my Alternate Millionaire Universe (which from now on will be known as Alt Mil Uni)? Ah, I was packin’ up my game and headin’ out west. Thank you, Kid Rock for those words. Well, I’ve got 38 minutes to kill before quitting time… so, here it goes…

Alternate Millionaire Universe continued...

After a few goodbyes and wishes of good luck from my co-workers I was off to the 2 Beers Ranch to pack up the family for the most important trip of our lives, and pretty much our only vacation we’ve ever had.

As I raced through the streets of the “Rez” thinking about the swimming pools, movie stars and all of the glamour that Hollywood is known for, I wonder if this is going to really work out. Or am I about to be woken by a thunderous bout of flatulence that I’ve been known for after a few bowls of chili during an incredible dream? Am I a victim of Candid Camera? And is Candid Camera still a cool show to be on? So many things to think about, so little time. Just like that (chubby finger snap again), the 2 Beers Ranch is within distance.

Getting out of the car after barely missing the family dogs, Steven, Dizzy and the Scuzz, who are dogs Mrs. The Jon fed one day that eventually turned their one time meal offer into making my garage a stray dog recovery center, it was time to share the news with my family.

I enter the house with visions of creative freedom for the rest of my life and being heavily compensated for it.

“What are you doing home so early? Did you get bored with the internet again at ‘work?’” my lovely wife so elegantly asks.

“We’re going to Hollywood to show some of my writings to movie people who might want to turn my stories into movies,” I tell her still beaming with pride.

Mrs. The Jon being captivated by the happenings of the Newmans of Genoa City on the big screen, “Move! Look what’s gonna happen!”

“Hey, woman! I’m a grown-ass man. You don’t tell—what’s he gonna do?! I mean, did you hear me? We’re going to California!” I tell her trying to let her know I’m serious.

Still not believing me, she says, “Watch out now, the Ridge show is coming on next,” forgetting the news comes on before the Forresters.

In a moment of disgust like I had seen on censored rated R movies on regular TV I told her, “Well suck my feet then if you don’t want to believe me. I’m going to Cali with or without you.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes! Now get ready. We have to leave as soon as we can. Everything is paid for and they’re just waiting for me to show up,” I tell her.

And with that and the fact the Lionel Richie is singing “Stuck on You” to me through the RLG office speakers, it is time to take a break. If work doesn’t get in the way, we shall continue later on. Peace out, players!

Alternate Millionaire Universe

While listening to The Foo Fighters’ “Best of You,” two things occurred to me; 1) I have a couple more readers! (greetings fellow bloggers) and 2) I realized that I’ve never thought seriously about where I was going to be 10 years after I graduated from high school. All I knew about that was that I was going to be a millionaire by the time I was 30, but had no idea how that was going to be accomplished… maybe in the movies, or writing, or a super long winning streak at the many fine Indian gaming establishments around my area, Powerball or just stupid luck. But needless to say none of the above has found me yet, obviously. I figured I would be married with kids by now for some reason, but didn’t anticipate having the troubles that I’m having right now. Hmmm… how would I make my millions of dollars within the next few months? I have an idea of how it should happen. The following is going to be my diary of how I will become rich and what I will do with the millions… and millions of dollars that will soon find me. Remember, this happened in an alternate universe (hopefully soon in this one) occupied by only me… and Elvis. On with the tale…

Just another day at Red Lake Gaming Enterprises is what it started out to be. I arrived at my usual time of about 8:10am, a smidge on the late side but just in time for donuts supplied by a generous co-worker. After a few good mornings to my associates and a drink of water to get the sleep out of my system, it was time to roll up the sleeves and get to “work.” But before the work was to begin, one should always check his e-mail and other happenings around the world via the internet because you never know what you’re going to miss. On this day, surfing on company time finally paid off.

After looking on www.rlnn.com at the powwow pictures and realizing that all the singers are starting to look, dress, and probably act like rappers, I figured I wasted enough company time and realized that it was time to check my e-mail.

As I sorted through the many offers to enhance my manhood and free gas vouchers, I noticed an item that couldn’t be what it offered. The topic said, “We Want to Use Your Writings.” So, being curious cat that I am, I opened it up. Despite what I believed just a half-second earlier, I received an offer to show some more of my writings to a production company in Hollywood that wanted new, fresh ideas in order to get away from remaking every single TV show and movies from years gone by. Apparently, my blog was seen by some important people who use the blogworld to find new talent. After a few phone calls to a few people, and asking the bosses for some time off, just like that (if you could see me, you would have noticed that I just snapped my chubby fingers), I was off to sunny California. If I had ever been to Cali before, it would’ve been an excellent time to set this scene to none other than Notorious B.I.G.’s “Goin’ Back to Cali.” Hopefully my lameness won’t show to the talent seekers.

That's all I have so far. Maybe I'll finish this later, maybe I won't. Okay, I'll try

Deep Thoughts... Too Deep

I almost put my self to sleep with that last post. I think the “Debbie Downer” music should play on my blog from now on. But now I have a few clear thoughts and a couple of questions on the world around me (drum roll, please):

• Thanks for the cake, Hank!
• How do I go about getting a straight 5 week vacation? Really. I’m not joking.
• I have to seriously start thinking about investing in a horse and carriage, Chaz Ingalls style! $2.65 a gallon?! Ridiculous. There’s a new term called “Gas Rage.” What is this world coming to?
• Did anyone see the Hall and Oates version of “Every time You Go” on VH1 Classics at lunch time today? Hey, D. Hall! I’m pretty sure there are more words in that song than just “Every time You Go.” He even did it at the Apollo! Nice perm, Oates.
• By the way, am I the only one that stops by VH1 Classic to see how far videos, musicians, style and pretty much everything else have come? I like to do that with lame movies and TV shows, too. We are so spoiled by technology. And I'm a time-killing nerd.
• Am I the only one embarrassed by the ‘80s?
• I will be the first to say it, now, listen close… wrestling will make a comeback, mid-90s style. Don’t even think about taking credit for that, Simmons! I wrote that last month with the Hogan/HBK reference. So, hands off, Sports Guy!
• Am I the only one who’s getting sick of rap/hip-hop or is everyone else thinking the same thing? I think the Backstreet Boys see this and are ready to pounce on it like a lion to a limping... uh, whatever lions eat. I hope some other type of music catches on quick so we don’t have to relive the boy band days again.
• Yes, I am an avid reader of the “Sports Guy World.” It gave me the will to let my voice be heard (well... shown) for dozens around the world. Excellent pop culture references… needs to lay off the praise of others though. Dwight Gooden/Felix Hernandez… ridiculous. Poor kid. And what’s with the book club? Other than that, I read it everyday.
• The good thing about school starting again (I enter junior year numero tres’… really... it’s not just a Jared’s Room reference, this will be my 3rd time with 72 credits to my name… don’t laugh… really, don’t laugh… I SAID DON’T LAUGH!), is that football season starts right after!
  
  Yeah, I’m taking my time to get through college. I mean, I started 7 years late so what’s a couple more years to finish? That’s my fat-lazy guy theory. Living up to my FLG status, now that I’m full of cake, I’m going to take a nap.

Where'd My Summer Go?

Being far from where I want to be while I celebrate my 60th day of sobriety, I continue to KEEP ON TRUCKIN’. I’ve seen many things a lot more clearly, at least I think so anyway, during those 60 days without a “Bud” in my hand. It’s given me a sense of accomplishment, which I’ve been lacking lately. Right now I think I can stay away from drinking for the rest of my life. It’s brought me nothing but trouble, grief, drama, cost me a lot of money among other things. Sure, back when I was a party guy, I had a lot of fun. But there were so many times I shouldn’t have been able to come home. I’ve dodged a lot of bullets over the years and have finally realized that it’s not worth it anymore. Despite popular belief, I still haven’t seen a light! Blah blah blah!

While looking back at the past few weeks and realizing that summer is quickly escaping us and school is a week away, I wonder, where the hell did the summer go? Maybe it would’ve gone by slower if I consumed a little bit of beer. But, it’s too late for that now. When I look back at this summer I’ll remember my little softball team the most, my crowning achievement by far. Even more so than my sobriety! No, we didn’t win very much, but we did have a lot of fun. Throughout the season, there must have been at least 30 kids who came out to play who came out and tried their hardest. But we survived the season and nobody got hurt too seriously. I had my doubts about coaching again next year due to other kids and teams, but I think I would try it again because I had so much fun with this group. Playoffs start Saturday!

I’ve just reread my past few posts and realized that I could use some antidepressants! Well, maybe not that bad. I still stand by what I said and will never change my mind about what happened. Life is going on for me and I’ll leave it at that. But for some reason, I always think that everybody owes me something, either an apology, credit for something I’ve done, praise, acknowledgement… anything! I don’t know why that is. I can’t explain it. I don’t even know what I want. I’m such a weirdo. I’ve also noticed I’m not enjoying this place we call “The Rez.” Every little thing about this place bothers me now. It’s led me to believe that it’s time to move away at any cost. I just don’t like being around here. Maybe it’s me, maybe it is this place, but one thing I do know is that in order for me to get where I want to be, a change is in order. My definite deadline to be out of here is tax season. I’ll have my associate’s degree by then (for sure this time) and should be able to do something big somewhere else. You gotta dream, bro! Wow! I wrote a lot!

I've Changed

For a few minutes yesterday, my anger got the best of me. I have never felt so much hate for anybody in my whole life. I just snapped. Although it wasn’t what’s seen in the news, it was pretty close. For a few seconds, I lost control of my emotions and rational thinking. I’ve never been like that before… ever. Do I regret what I did? No. Would I do it again? Yes. The emotional hell that I’ve been through the past 11 months is something that I’ve dealt with in my own way. I mean, who knows me better than me? Nobody. I didn’t need anyone to tell me what I should’ve been thinking at that time. I know what I’m capable of. I know when I’m wrong and I especially know when others are wrong. This whole ordeal has nothing to do with me. It’s about one of the most precious little ladies in the whole wide world. Since last year, I feel that everyone that who is supposed to be there for us deserted us. Excuses were made and accepted by everybody but me and my little family. I’m done with the non-existent fairytale world those people live in. For so many years I’ve sat back and have let people tell me what to do, let them tell me what’s best for me. I appreciate all they’ve done, but to not be able to understand the horrible incident that we’ve been through ALONE the past 11 months is, to me, unacceptable. Bringing up irrelevant issues while I was in the state of mind that I was in could have been costly. What a cheap shot! It had nothing to do with why I was there and how I reacted. Nothing will ever make me forget what happened. Anywhere else, things would be a lot worse for that individual. May that individual feel all the hurt, shame, humiliation, embarrassment and confusion that was inflicted on that day.

Forgive the Unfullfilledness

By the way, I've noticed I've left myself hanging by promising to finish stories that I've started. I don't know how explain that. I get so easily distracted and the only way I remember that I've been doing that is by reading my own blog, which I enjoy, 'cause I am the greatest writer to ever come out of Little Rock! Yes, I am shameless. So, I will think of the All-Star Experience, MDJ Chronicles and The Book of Jon more often and try not to promise things and not deliver on those promises ( hey, I used a double negative!). But, hey man! That's who I am and that's what I do! Deal with it! Wait, I think I'm the only one who reads me. In that case, nevermind!

Happy Mond-- Eh, F*** It

As I sit here and look back at the life that I’ve led over the past 29 years, 6 months and 3 days (well, basically that’s my whole life I suppose), I wonder when success, financial-wise, will quit avoiding me like the plaque. I’m always broke, the gas prices are killing me, all I can afford to eat is junk food and I’m way behind on my summer movie watching list. So far I’ve missed “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”, “Chaz and the Choc Fac”, “Dukes of Hazzard” and, well, I guess that’s all I’ve missed. But that’s not the point! Honestly, I don’t think I have a point besides that I’m moneyless constantly. So broke I had to quit drinking! WAAAAA!!! Yeah, I’ve been without alcohol for about 52 days, but who’s counting? By far the longest of my drinking career. It should be up there with DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak or the Lakers 33 game winning streak. Yes, I am proud and actually have no desire to start up again. My age is catching up with me I guess. But, in the mean time, I’ll just have to keep on truckin’ with the blogs, “working” with compliance issues, coaching and TV watching.

Cheese and rice! I read my post from last Friday, and WOW! I would be scared if I was talking about me! There is something secretly disturbing about that Jon character. Wait! That’s me! Ha, ha, mother effers!

2 birthdays down, one to go, 3 sets of school clothes yet to buy and one anniversary to make up for. I mean I REALLY have to make that mutha up. It was my 5th wedding anniversary last Friday and, again, didn’t have enough to celebrate because of one of the b-days I had to pay for. But I did get a pretty good idea last night from “Hogan Knows Best.” That Hulk Hogan is the MAN! He had a stretched H2 limo, a bottle of Cristal, a night of food, wine, and massages! Plus he had his old wrestling buddy Knobbs babysit (which by the way, I think Knobbs is going to be the next Don Vito… he might need his own show). Somehow I’m gonna have to come through with something close to that, man. But the best I can do is wash the Malibu, find a bottle of Red Slice (do they even make that anymore?), take Mrs. The Jon to Applebee’s, and find George Jefferson to step on our backs. Or something likes that.

Until next time, fellow losers of society… I’m out!

Can I?

While I sit here admiring the beauty of ligers on some website, I am considering turning to a life of crime to help me out of my recent financial troubles. I mean, it’s the only thing left for me to do. Banks don’t trust me anymore (JESUS FORGAVE!!!) and I need more money than I have right now. Are there any crime places hiring? What’s a guy to do? Boohoo!

But anyway… it seems like my circle of family/friends is shrinking. I have no real solid data on this, it’s pretty limp really. It just seems that way lately. I’m finding myself and my little family graced with company less and less. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s nobody will ever understand where I am at this point in my life. Is it the lack of alcohol in my life that has given everyone the impression that being drunk was the only way that they were able to be around me? WTF?! Yeah, I’ve been sober for 49 days, which is a career high for me since I started drinking many years ago, and I feel really good. The hangovers were unbearable. My actions were getting more and more ridiculous. Lately, I’ve been thinking about doing really stupid things; all for the sake of my ego. But I am one of the few that can put my ego in check and my pride aside, but for how long? For too long I’ve accepted what others and myself did because of drunken stupidity. So much has happened around me lately and I feel like I’ve been deserted. I’ve been told to accept things that I could never imagine by people who are supposed to understand my situation. I shouldn’t have to accept this thing. No one in their right mind would. Can I?

Wow! That was deep. That’s been building up for a while now. But that is a very intriguing question; Can I?

That Is Absurd

Woo! Now that my banking story is off my chubby, hairless chest, I can go on with more important issues…

I’ve been voting on these online polls about how the NCAA is not allowing “Indian” mascots into the post season. Over ¾ of those polled in the USA Today say that political correctness has gone too far. The portrayal of Native Americans by schools that use mascots as “hostile or “abusive” will not be tolerated… after February 1 during post season play! Yay! What about the rest of the millennium? In the immortal words of Rick James, “That is absurd.” What the hell, why not eliminate all the names altogether? Just for that, I’m going to play my race card every MOTHERF***** chance I get. I’ve talked about this many times in this blog and many more times when I’ve had a few beers in the system (which is not even close to being politically correct... speaking of alcohol, it's been 42 days without the corruption of the European's devil juice in my blood! Maybe that's why I've been so touchy... nah). Whatever, America. First you take my land…

Anyway, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! I’m going to enjoy the weekend with practice, dominating the new baseball game on the cube and lay low. Peace out, player! I’m out!

Banking Tale

WTF is going on in the world these days? Right now I am drawing a complete blank. But one thing is on my mind on this fine Friday after getting turned down numerous times by a couple of banks the past few days. Yeah, I needed some quick money so instead of robbing them “Heat” style; I thought I would do the noble thing by swallowing my pride and ask some bankers if they could help a brotha out. My first encounter was “Oh, I wish I could, but…” blah, blah, blah! Strike one! The next banker was a little more of an, uh, what’s the word? Rhymes with @$$hole. Oops! It looks like I said a bad word. I’ll remember you, Warren. I just forgot your last name. I knew I didn't stand a chance with this fella. You can tell how some people are with their voice, the way they walk and other little things (I should be a profiler for the government). Guys like that, uptight older European, make me think their lack of help is not due to my past credit history (Jesus forgave everyone’s mistakes! Why can’t you?! Or is that God? Or is it both of them? Either way, forgiveness was involved and I need to brush up on my bible studies.), and more about… well, I don’t ever play the race card, so, never mind. But according to the first banker I talked to, I had an excellent credit score and said I should try other banks, which led me to the dreaded Warren. You’ll rue the day you denied me credit at your fancy money store, Warren! First of all, in meeting with Warren at First Federal, I took the time to meet him over my lunch break. I arrived at First Federal on 5th street, which is about 35 miles from where I work, at 11:57 AM. And I continued to sit there until about 12:34 while he visited with another banker talking about banking stuff, I’m hoping. Then he finally made time for me before his lunch break by allowing me to fill out an application, listen to him ask me questions about my occupation, past credit blemishes, what I needed the loan for and all that good stuff before he could tell me no. That’s not cool, man! After all of that waiting, our meeting was over in 8 minutes. Strike two! Then I went to my usual bank to find out my banker was out. Strike three! Cheese and rice!!! So now I must wait until payday to go see the “Dukes of Hazzard”. Thanks a lot, Warren M.!!! I’ll remember that when I own the old folks home where you’ll be living in 4 years, because I am going to buy as many old folks homes as I can when I get rich… ‘cause I love old people. Why else? (cue evil laugh)

The Book of Jon: Reloaded

What better story of inspiration to tell than the one lived by a boy named Jon? Oh yeah, I’m going to embellish a lot. There will be some truth to it sometimes. Other times there will be nothing but bull excrement. But this is the REAL story.

He was a small-big (chubby) boy who came from humble beginnings, born in the City of Minneapolis in late winter of 1976, to a single mother on the south side in “The Projects”, his first glimpse of the world was between these walls that he would inhabit for the first 3 years of his life. During the short time there, he would not be able to evolve into the full-blown “Sav” he was born to be. For this complex task, he would have to move north, where his two sisters and grandparents lived, to the woods where he would be one of many. A place called “The Rez”.

The late 1970’s were a simpler time. Everyone could be trusted. Violence and disrespect against one another was rare, but not unheard of. During these times, Jon would be sent on a bus from Minneapolis to Bemidji, the town closest to the Red Lake "Rez". The obstacles of single motherhood kept Jon’s mother from accompanying him on this life altering journey. She would join her family on her next paycheck. With his crooked cap and saggy jeans, he was off to the north. With a hug, a kiss and a few tears, The Book of Jon was about to be written.

On the bus, which was driven by a family friend, Jon sat in the front seat which allowed him to witness all the scenic beauty that Minnesota had to offer and stay under the watchful eye of the bus driver. One by one, anxious travelers boarded the bus heading north. Most didn’t get a second look from Jon. He had seen different types of people during his time in “The Projects”. At the tender age of 3, a few months from 4, Jon was eager to leave the city life behind him…

Wow! That story just kinda rolled out. Hmm… this writing stuff is pretty easy when you don’t have regular work to get in the way. Maybe I should retire from the compliance business and just start writing full-time! Does anyone want to pay for that?! Well, this story is just getting started and will get juicier as time goes on. Or some days I’ll just put in the usual mindless thoughts or other observations if work doesn’t get in my way. By the way this story came out, I just might keep on with this saga. Who knows? But for now, I have to get ready to go home and get ready for practice tonight. Sooo… I’m out! Woo!!!

Bye, Bye July

It was just one of those months, man. July seemed like it started out okay, then all of a sudden, BOOM! Money is my main problem again. When I was going to school I couldn’t wait to get back to work. Now that I am working full-time, it seems like I’m where I was before. No money, bills piling up, but this time I have birthdays to get ready for and school clothes to buy by the end of the month. WILL THESE PROBLEMS EVER CEASE?! Probably not, but what you gonna do? At least I have my health. Wait… I’ve been hitting the pop pretty hard again, so maybe that’s starting to slip. But I’ve been alcohol free for the past 38 days and no regrets. Yay, Jon!!! Hmm… what else is there to worry about? The Cubs struggled this weekend with the D’Backs, so that has me a little worried again. Kerry Wood is injured… again. Nomar might be back this weekend, so that’s pretty inspiring. My softball teams’ seasons’ are winding down and… wow! That’s all I have to talk about? What a loser! I need an uplifting story to bring me out of my late summer funk. But where would one look to find such an inspirational tale? The newspaper? I doubt it. The tabloids? Not likely. The Red Lake Nation Forum? Hell no! I’ll check The Jon’s hard drive for something and report later on.