The MDJ Chronicles: Day I
The following events took place on July 13, 2005. Some names and events were changed to protect the innocent. Enjoy. (www.moondancejam.com)
3:20 PM:
My tickets were given to me by my boss as a promotion thing/deal. I’m not in marketing so I don’t understand the whole process, so I’ll spare the details. From there I made a few calls to find some scratch for the trip since I don’t get paid until tomorrow find a sitter for the kids and confirmed the departing time from the 2 Beers Ranch (my house and yard; named after my Aberdeen alias[see March Archives]), which was 5:10 PM sharp. All that was left to do was wait until quitting time, which was 5:00 PM.
4:17 PM:
Fresh out the door of the office, I was told to go get the kids some food, pick up the sitter, take the sitter to jail to pick up some money (hmm… go to jail to PICK UP some money)… whatever bro, I’m still going to MOONDANCE!!! No luck for the sitter after waiting for many minutes.
5:03 PM (7 minutes until departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Arrive at the 2 Beers Ranch.
5:05 PM (5 minutes until departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Sitter gets call to go pick up her money, be back in a couple of minutes.
7:15 PM (2 hours, 10 minutes past departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Sitter returns from money run. The 2 Beersmobile is on its way to MOONDANCE!!! 2 Beersmobile ETA at MOONDANCE RANCH with The Jon and Mrs. The Jon on board: 8:33 PM.
7:42 PM
The 2 Beersmobile must be replenished with petroleum. $2.21 for a gallon of gas?!?!?!
Jonny R: Cheese and rice! Does a girl come out to pump my gas and show me boobs?! (the Gas Guy shakes his head no thru the window) No?! Does it come with a meal?! (again) No?! At least wash my windows! (and again) No?! Gaaaaww daaaamn! I’m gonna go steal a horse like the ancestors did if I’m going tomorrow. (Gas Guy gets on the phone to tell his “Pa” to lock up the horses.)
7:51 PM:
11.2 gallons of gas to in the 2 Beersmobile: $24.75
2 packs of gum for the halitosis: $2.31
On the way to MOONDANCE and the look on the face of the Gas Guy when he’s calling his “Pa” to tell him to lock up the horses: Priceless
8:03 PM:
Discussion between The Jon and Mrs. The Jon about the acts at MOONDANCE:
Mrs. The Jon: What does Cheap Trick sing?
The Jon: (with the voice a cross between Willy Hung and Carl Lewis) Your momma’s alright, your daddy’s alright, they just seem a little bit weeeeeeeeird, surrender… surrender!!!
Mrs. The Jon: Ew. Is that your real singing voice?
The Jon: Uh, yeah.
(Awkward silence for Mrs. The Jon, embarrassed silence for The Jon.)
8:32 PM:
Still, silence that will remain for the rest of the Journey (no pun intended… ha! I crack myself up. Journey’s gonna be there Friday. Uh, nevermind. My lameness will never cease).
8:59 PM:
Enter the casino parking lot to catch the shuttle that gives rides to the show for a $5 fee. School buses will take us that are ready to rock the rest of the way. Nervousness builds because I’ve only been to 3 concerts in my life; Arc (a lame Christian rock show that came to my high school), Sugar Ray (Mark McGrath sang to Mrs. The Jon the whole night at my college… so she claims), and Vanessa Carlton (who made eye contact with The Jon 5 times while singing slow songs at my college… SWEAR TO GOD! [See April Archives; Me and Vaness…]). Before they let us on the bus, they check our bags that contain our chairs. No contrabands in our bags (better luck next time, mean B.O. Lady!)
9:07 PM:
Arrive at the concert site, greeted by a section Jiffy Jerry’s (or whatever they’re called now) sponsored by 92 KQRS next to the saloon. Thousands of drunk people dancing, staggering, trying to keep their eyes open and their sour shirt smell fresh to the incoming public. I felt left out because I just showered before I left the 2 Beers Ranch. But the heat and humidity will give me the time and resources to catch up. AN IMPORTANT MESSEGE FROM THE JON: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MULLET IS ALIVE AND WELL AT MOONDANCE JAM, NO NEED TO PANIC, THERE ARE PLENTY TO GO AROUND! REPORTS OF IT’S DEMISE WERE GREATLY EXAGGERATED!
9:09 PM:
38. Special is on stage, rockin’ the place, awesome performance. I was wondering what happened to Diamond Dallas Page. He plays guitar for 38. Special now! Kimberly must be around somewhere! (Excuse my nerd wresting references… and for those of you who don’t know who DDP is… you betta ax somebody! [Lameness still intact])
9:22 PM:
After roaming around, checking out the sites, Mr. and Mrs. The Jon finally find a spot right of the stage, dodging stumbling drunks with no shirts who obviously forgot to put on sun block and had no idea what a sit up is. Killer times. Killer times.
9:34 PM:
Mrs. The Jon wants something to eat so we leave our spot and go to the food area and find a stand full of the Russian Mafia. I had no idea what they were saying at all. All I wanted was fries and a pop, I wasn’t ordering a hit on somebody. This guy sounded like Ivan Drago:
Russian Mafia Counter Guy: Uy. You vant f’dies and pipsi. 8 tokens.
The Jon: Tokens?
Russian Mafia Counter Guy (looking like he wants to avenge the Drago loss to Rocky on me): Ova they’a. You git tokens, then you git f’dies and pipsi.
The Jon (hoping he didn’t soil his husky’s): Okay.
9:49 PM:
After a few minutes of more roaming, taking in the sites, we find the line for buying tokens and it’s longer than balls! Like they were giving away free beer!
10:12 PM:
So after waiting in line while being suffocated by the sour shirt smell, we get our tokens. $1 for one. I feel like a foreigner in a strange land with this fancy currency. Then I realize; $8 for a pop and fries?! Gaaaaaaaaw damn! Git the f*** outta here! Somebody’s making money.
10:30 PM:
38. Special wraps up their set and the crowd is buzzing with anticipation for the arrival of Lynyrd Skynyrd. For the next 30 minutes or so, by far, the worst singer of all time (even worse than The Jon) gets on stage with songs that go; “Yeah, yuh, yup, noooo, hey, oooooh- oh, i-eeeee, aye, oh wah…” and so on and so forth. The worst set of the night. So bad, he wasn’t even on the list of performers. (Mrs. The Jon informs me that was the mic check guy. My bad.) Is it me, or do all white people look the same? I mean, I think I saw about 52 Larry the Cable Guys, Jeff Foxworthy and his whole clan, a few John Kruks, a handful of Dale Earnhardt Srs. (R.I.P.) and a few members of Reno 911.
10:59 PM:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN; LYNYRD SKYNYRD
The Kings of the Late Nite Drinkers have arrived. Awesome. They killed, man. From what I saw. I left early to avoid traffic and go to the casino to donate to the Leech Lake Band of Chippewa. Killer time.
3:20 PM:
My tickets were given to me by my boss as a promotion thing/deal. I’m not in marketing so I don’t understand the whole process, so I’ll spare the details. From there I made a few calls to find some scratch for the trip since I don’t get paid until tomorrow find a sitter for the kids and confirmed the departing time from the 2 Beers Ranch (my house and yard; named after my Aberdeen alias[see March Archives]), which was 5:10 PM sharp. All that was left to do was wait until quitting time, which was 5:00 PM.
4:17 PM:
Fresh out the door of the office, I was told to go get the kids some food, pick up the sitter, take the sitter to jail to pick up some money (hmm… go to jail to PICK UP some money)… whatever bro, I’m still going to MOONDANCE!!! No luck for the sitter after waiting for many minutes.
5:03 PM (7 minutes until departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Arrive at the 2 Beers Ranch.
5:05 PM (5 minutes until departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Sitter gets call to go pick up her money, be back in a couple of minutes.
7:15 PM (2 hours, 10 minutes past departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Sitter returns from money run. The 2 Beersmobile is on its way to MOONDANCE!!! 2 Beersmobile ETA at MOONDANCE RANCH with The Jon and Mrs. The Jon on board: 8:33 PM.
7:42 PM
The 2 Beersmobile must be replenished with petroleum. $2.21 for a gallon of gas?!?!?!
Jonny R: Cheese and rice! Does a girl come out to pump my gas and show me boobs?! (the Gas Guy shakes his head no thru the window) No?! Does it come with a meal?! (again) No?! At least wash my windows! (and again) No?! Gaaaaww daaaamn! I’m gonna go steal a horse like the ancestors did if I’m going tomorrow. (Gas Guy gets on the phone to tell his “Pa” to lock up the horses.)
7:51 PM:
11.2 gallons of gas to in the 2 Beersmobile: $24.75
2 packs of gum for the halitosis: $2.31
On the way to MOONDANCE and the look on the face of the Gas Guy when he’s calling his “Pa” to tell him to lock up the horses: Priceless
8:03 PM:
Discussion between The Jon and Mrs. The Jon about the acts at MOONDANCE:
Mrs. The Jon: What does Cheap Trick sing?
The Jon: (with the voice a cross between Willy Hung and Carl Lewis) Your momma’s alright, your daddy’s alright, they just seem a little bit weeeeeeeeird, surrender… surrender!!!
Mrs. The Jon: Ew. Is that your real singing voice?
The Jon: Uh, yeah.
(Awkward silence for Mrs. The Jon, embarrassed silence for The Jon.)
8:32 PM:
Still, silence that will remain for the rest of the Journey (no pun intended… ha! I crack myself up. Journey’s gonna be there Friday. Uh, nevermind. My lameness will never cease).
8:59 PM:
Enter the casino parking lot to catch the shuttle that gives rides to the show for a $5 fee. School buses will take us that are ready to rock the rest of the way. Nervousness builds because I’ve only been to 3 concerts in my life; Arc (a lame Christian rock show that came to my high school), Sugar Ray (Mark McGrath sang to Mrs. The Jon the whole night at my college… so she claims), and Vanessa Carlton (who made eye contact with The Jon 5 times while singing slow songs at my college… SWEAR TO GOD! [See April Archives; Me and Vaness…]). Before they let us on the bus, they check our bags that contain our chairs. No contrabands in our bags (better luck next time, mean B.O. Lady!)
9:07 PM:
Arrive at the concert site, greeted by a section Jiffy Jerry’s (or whatever they’re called now) sponsored by 92 KQRS next to the saloon. Thousands of drunk people dancing, staggering, trying to keep their eyes open and their sour shirt smell fresh to the incoming public. I felt left out because I just showered before I left the 2 Beers Ranch. But the heat and humidity will give me the time and resources to catch up. AN IMPORTANT MESSEGE FROM THE JON: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MULLET IS ALIVE AND WELL AT MOONDANCE JAM, NO NEED TO PANIC, THERE ARE PLENTY TO GO AROUND! REPORTS OF IT’S DEMISE WERE GREATLY EXAGGERATED!
9:09 PM:
38. Special is on stage, rockin’ the place, awesome performance. I was wondering what happened to Diamond Dallas Page. He plays guitar for 38. Special now! Kimberly must be around somewhere! (Excuse my nerd wresting references… and for those of you who don’t know who DDP is… you betta ax somebody! [Lameness still intact])
9:22 PM:
After roaming around, checking out the sites, Mr. and Mrs. The Jon finally find a spot right of the stage, dodging stumbling drunks with no shirts who obviously forgot to put on sun block and had no idea what a sit up is. Killer times. Killer times.
9:34 PM:
Mrs. The Jon wants something to eat so we leave our spot and go to the food area and find a stand full of the Russian Mafia. I had no idea what they were saying at all. All I wanted was fries and a pop, I wasn’t ordering a hit on somebody. This guy sounded like Ivan Drago:
Russian Mafia Counter Guy: Uy. You vant f’dies and pipsi. 8 tokens.
The Jon: Tokens?
Russian Mafia Counter Guy (looking like he wants to avenge the Drago loss to Rocky on me): Ova they’a. You git tokens, then you git f’dies and pipsi.
The Jon (hoping he didn’t soil his husky’s): Okay.
9:49 PM:
After a few minutes of more roaming, taking in the sites, we find the line for buying tokens and it’s longer than balls! Like they were giving away free beer!
10:12 PM:
So after waiting in line while being suffocated by the sour shirt smell, we get our tokens. $1 for one. I feel like a foreigner in a strange land with this fancy currency. Then I realize; $8 for a pop and fries?! Gaaaaaaaaw damn! Git the f*** outta here! Somebody’s making money.
10:30 PM:
38. Special wraps up their set and the crowd is buzzing with anticipation for the arrival of Lynyrd Skynyrd. For the next 30 minutes or so, by far, the worst singer of all time (even worse than The Jon) gets on stage with songs that go; “Yeah, yuh, yup, noooo, hey, oooooh- oh, i-eeeee, aye, oh wah…” and so on and so forth. The worst set of the night. So bad, he wasn’t even on the list of performers. (Mrs. The Jon informs me that was the mic check guy. My bad.) Is it me, or do all white people look the same? I mean, I think I saw about 52 Larry the Cable Guys, Jeff Foxworthy and his whole clan, a few John Kruks, a handful of Dale Earnhardt Srs. (R.I.P.) and a few members of Reno 911.
10:59 PM:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN; LYNYRD SKYNYRD
The Kings of the Late Nite Drinkers have arrived. Awesome. They killed, man. From what I saw. I left early to avoid traffic and go to the casino to donate to the Leech Lake Band of Chippewa. Killer time.
posted by Jonny R. at 4:16 PM
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