Me At the Imaginary Globes
012006
1205 Hours
The past week has been good to me. School is looking promising this semester, the tax season is here and tax credits rule, and my creativity has been working overtime. I have the opening scene of my soon to be written then filmed movie dancing in my head. The soundtrack to it will be, in the words of Jeff Spiccoli, AWESOME… TOTALLY AWESOME! It’s good to be alive.
While these thoughts were going through my head, I couldn’t help but visualize my impending fame with the Golden Globes awards being on the other night. Honestly, I don’t want to be famous. I just want to entertain people with my writing. But if praise and numerous awards were to come along with that, who am I to turn it away? So, the next few paragraphs are a sample of what would happen if I were famous and was asked to be at this soiree with all of the rich and famous of the entertainment world. Could Hollywood handle a wild “Rez Boy” from Red Lake? Probably not.
2:02 pm
After a late night of flying in from Canada, where “The Book of Jon” is being filmed, I was pushed out of the enormous hotel bed by Mrs. The Jon and ordered to get ready. Not asked politely because of my impending Hollywood fame and fortune, but ordered by a wife who knew me for being a lazy, underachieving slacker from the mean streets of Hooterville.
“Do I have to shower?” I asked my already dressed wife and looking like a hundred bucks ($100 is a lot of money for me) I must add.
“We are going to the biggest party in the world with the most beautiful, rich people we’ll ever see in our lifetimes,” she replied.
“Cool. My hair doesn’t look that bad.”
“Get in the shower!” my lovely wife so gracefully hollered.
2:59 pm
Minutes before our car is to arrive, Mrs. The Jon has just finished her hair and is not amused at me watching TV getting updates about the world we are about to embark on.
“You’re still not ready?!”
“It’s coo, bro. I was just getting in the shower. Besides, I was doing research on how to go about mingling with the rich and famous,” I told her.
“By watching sports?” she asks unimpressed. “Just hurry up and get in the shower.”
3:26 pm
With visions of beauty such as Eva Longoria, Scarlett Johanson and Mariah Carey dancing in my head, Mrs. The Jon notices I’m daydreaming on our way downstairs to our ride and tells me to keep my eyes up and off of others or else. I believe I don’t have to elaborate on what the “or else” is. God help me.
4:07 pm
As our car pulls up to the drop off spot where all the cameras, fans and all the other stuff are, the publicists that are with us give us final instructions on how to handle everything to no avail because I am overwhelmed by it all.
4:11 pm
We get out of the car and, to my surprise, people actually know who I am. I did Jimmy Kimmel once a couple months ago and I must’ve made quite an impression on the public. Good for me, I say.
4:16 pm
Along the red carpet, I get so many questions at one time I’m not sure if I answered the right one and wonder if that is how tabloid stories get started. Realizing that I’m putting too much thought into that, I carry on. I was off to speak to some Izaak guy who I saw just feel up Scarlett Johanson a few minutes ago, asked me to come up and tell him who I’m wearing and if I’m wearing underwear. Dumbfounded, I look at the publicist, having no idea what name he just said. The only thing I could think of was, “How YOU doin’?” Not very original, but effective nonetheless. One thing I took away from that was if I were to pretend I was gay, could I feel up hot Hollywood chicks too? For some reason Mrs. The Jon read that thought in my head and I was given a dirty look that lasted until she got a glimpse of Johnny Depp.
4:20
As we were walking further down the red carpet, the same Johnny Depp came up to us and told me how he read my script and loved the humor in it and wished me luck. After nearly charming the $5,000 dress off of Mrs. The Jon, he was on his way. My wife will never be the same.
And that’s lunch time, people! Hopefully inspiration will bless me with its presence again soon so I can finish this. I didn't proof read any of this, so forgive the mistakes. Rock and roll!
1205 Hours
The past week has been good to me. School is looking promising this semester, the tax season is here and tax credits rule, and my creativity has been working overtime. I have the opening scene of my soon to be written then filmed movie dancing in my head. The soundtrack to it will be, in the words of Jeff Spiccoli, AWESOME… TOTALLY AWESOME! It’s good to be alive.
While these thoughts were going through my head, I couldn’t help but visualize my impending fame with the Golden Globes awards being on the other night. Honestly, I don’t want to be famous. I just want to entertain people with my writing. But if praise and numerous awards were to come along with that, who am I to turn it away? So, the next few paragraphs are a sample of what would happen if I were famous and was asked to be at this soiree with all of the rich and famous of the entertainment world. Could Hollywood handle a wild “Rez Boy” from Red Lake? Probably not.
2:02 pm
After a late night of flying in from Canada, where “The Book of Jon” is being filmed, I was pushed out of the enormous hotel bed by Mrs. The Jon and ordered to get ready. Not asked politely because of my impending Hollywood fame and fortune, but ordered by a wife who knew me for being a lazy, underachieving slacker from the mean streets of Hooterville.
“Do I have to shower?” I asked my already dressed wife and looking like a hundred bucks ($100 is a lot of money for me) I must add.
“We are going to the biggest party in the world with the most beautiful, rich people we’ll ever see in our lifetimes,” she replied.
“Cool. My hair doesn’t look that bad.”
“Get in the shower!” my lovely wife so gracefully hollered.
2:59 pm
Minutes before our car is to arrive, Mrs. The Jon has just finished her hair and is not amused at me watching TV getting updates about the world we are about to embark on.
“You’re still not ready?!”
“It’s coo, bro. I was just getting in the shower. Besides, I was doing research on how to go about mingling with the rich and famous,” I told her.
“By watching sports?” she asks unimpressed. “Just hurry up and get in the shower.”
3:26 pm
With visions of beauty such as Eva Longoria, Scarlett Johanson and Mariah Carey dancing in my head, Mrs. The Jon notices I’m daydreaming on our way downstairs to our ride and tells me to keep my eyes up and off of others or else. I believe I don’t have to elaborate on what the “or else” is. God help me.
4:07 pm
As our car pulls up to the drop off spot where all the cameras, fans and all the other stuff are, the publicists that are with us give us final instructions on how to handle everything to no avail because I am overwhelmed by it all.
4:11 pm
We get out of the car and, to my surprise, people actually know who I am. I did Jimmy Kimmel once a couple months ago and I must’ve made quite an impression on the public. Good for me, I say.
4:16 pm
Along the red carpet, I get so many questions at one time I’m not sure if I answered the right one and wonder if that is how tabloid stories get started. Realizing that I’m putting too much thought into that, I carry on. I was off to speak to some Izaak guy who I saw just feel up Scarlett Johanson a few minutes ago, asked me to come up and tell him who I’m wearing and if I’m wearing underwear. Dumbfounded, I look at the publicist, having no idea what name he just said. The only thing I could think of was, “How YOU doin’?” Not very original, but effective nonetheless. One thing I took away from that was if I were to pretend I was gay, could I feel up hot Hollywood chicks too? For some reason Mrs. The Jon read that thought in my head and I was given a dirty look that lasted until she got a glimpse of Johnny Depp.
4:20
As we were walking further down the red carpet, the same Johnny Depp came up to us and told me how he read my script and loved the humor in it and wished me luck. After nearly charming the $5,000 dress off of Mrs. The Jon, he was on his way. My wife will never be the same.
And that’s lunch time, people! Hopefully inspiration will bless me with its presence again soon so I can finish this. I didn't proof read any of this, so forgive the mistakes. Rock and roll!
posted by Jonny R. at 1:05 PM
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