I'm Still Alive, Kids

"Out on bail, fresh outta jail, California dreamin', soon as I step on the scene I hear the hoochies screamin'..." and I think we all know the rest of the song. You gotta love 2Pac. Old school, baby! Yup, I've been so busy lately with coaching, playing, getting a trip ready and work, I've had no time for the blog world... and for that, I apologize to myself. First of all, I didn't get to make it to the rest of MDJ, which was too bad for me, but good news for those I was about to ridicule. Second, my body is recovering from the 9 straight days of softball very slowly, but I have gone 7 for 9 my last 3 games (which we also lost) with 7 runs scored, so I got that going for me. Maybe I'll get to post some happenings this weekend. If I could get paid to write (stuff that I wanted) all day I would. But now it's time to enjoy the MF'n weekend! See ya'll in jail!!! I'm out.

Meaningless Thoughts

While sitting at my desk waiting for my car so I can go to a meeting that I have to leave for at 12:00 PM (uh-oh), these thoughts popped into my head:

• Should I get up and go to the bathroom now, or should I wait until I have to go really, super-duper bad so I don't have to get up twice?
• Is "The Tail" the Native American version of the mullet?
• Has anyone ever seen the people that can't decide on which hairdo to have? They have it long in the back, held in check with a rubberband, short on the top with gel keeping up spikes and shaved on the sides. DECIDE ALREADY!
• My socks don't match.
• I would pay $78 ('cause I'm not that rich) to get the story of each and every Moondance arm band if it could talk. Sheet, I'd pay$86 for the footage if it came with a video camera! Now who wouldn't pay to see that?!
• Is it just me, or is Journey not going to rock as much without Steve Perry?
• Who forgot to call Winger?
• Do they have sprinklers in Scotland? The grass at the British Open looks a tad on the parched side (CAN SOMEBODY GET THE GRASS A DRINK OF WATER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE?!?!?!)
• Why isn't it called the Scottish (or is it spelled Scotish) Open?
• Kevin Costner and Dennis Quaid owe me a few hours of my life back for watching "Wyatt Earp".
• When am I going to get my Vanessa Carlton picture from the concert in April?
• Is "Oh, snap" still cool to say?
• If it is, "Oh, snap! I'm not gonna have time to update the "MDJ Chronicles!"
• If not, disregard the above.

I'll find time for the "MDJ Chronicles" soon. My meeting started 2 minutes ago! Oh, snap!

The MDJ Chronicles: Day I

The following events took place on July 13, 2005. Some names and events were changed to protect the innocent. Enjoy. (www.moondancejam.com)

3:20 PM:
My tickets were given to me by my boss as a promotion thing/deal. I’m not in marketing so I don’t understand the whole process, so I’ll spare the details. From there I made a few calls to find some scratch for the trip since I don’t get paid until tomorrow find a sitter for the kids and confirmed the departing time from the 2 Beers Ranch (my house and yard; named after my Aberdeen alias[see March Archives]), which was 5:10 PM sharp. All that was left to do was wait until quitting time, which was 5:00 PM.

4:17 PM:
Fresh out the door of the office, I was told to go get the kids some food, pick up the sitter, take the sitter to jail to pick up some money (hmm… go to jail to PICK UP some money)… whatever bro, I’m still going to MOONDANCE!!! No luck for the sitter after waiting for many minutes.

5:03 PM (7 minutes until departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Arrive at the 2 Beers Ranch.

5:05 PM (5 minutes until departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Sitter gets call to go pick up her money, be back in a couple of minutes.

7:15 PM (2 hours, 10 minutes past departure from the 2 Beers Ranch):
Sitter returns from money run. The 2 Beersmobile is on its way to MOONDANCE!!! 2 Beersmobile ETA at MOONDANCE RANCH with The Jon and Mrs. The Jon on board: 8:33 PM.

7:42 PM
The 2 Beersmobile must be replenished with petroleum. $2.21 for a gallon of gas?!?!?!

Jonny R: Cheese and rice! Does a girl come out to pump my gas and show me boobs?! (the Gas Guy shakes his head no thru the window) No?! Does it come with a meal?! (again) No?! At least wash my windows! (and again) No?! Gaaaaww daaaamn! I’m gonna go steal a horse like the ancestors did if I’m going tomorrow. (Gas Guy gets on the phone to tell his “Pa” to lock up the horses.)

7:51 PM:
11.2 gallons of gas to in the 2 Beersmobile: $24.75
2 packs of gum for the halitosis: $2.31
On the way to MOONDANCE and the look on the face of the Gas Guy when he’s calling his “Pa” to tell him to lock up the horses: Priceless

8:03 PM:
Discussion between The Jon and Mrs. The Jon about the acts at MOONDANCE:

Mrs. The Jon: What does Cheap Trick sing?

The Jon: (with the voice a cross between Willy Hung and Carl Lewis) Your momma’s alright, your daddy’s alright, they just seem a little bit weeeeeeeeird, surrender… surrender!!!

Mrs. The Jon: Ew. Is that your real singing voice?

The Jon: Uh, yeah.

(Awkward silence for Mrs. The Jon, embarrassed silence for The Jon.)

8:32 PM:
Still, silence that will remain for the rest of the Journey (no pun intended… ha! I crack myself up. Journey’s gonna be there Friday. Uh, nevermind. My lameness will never cease).

8:59 PM:
Enter the casino parking lot to catch the shuttle that gives rides to the show for a $5 fee. School buses will take us that are ready to rock the rest of the way. Nervousness builds because I’ve only been to 3 concerts in my life; Arc (a lame Christian rock show that came to my high school), Sugar Ray (Mark McGrath sang to Mrs. The Jon the whole night at my college… so she claims), and Vanessa Carlton (who made eye contact with The Jon 5 times while singing slow songs at my college… SWEAR TO GOD! [See April Archives; Me and Vaness…]). Before they let us on the bus, they check our bags that contain our chairs. No contrabands in our bags (better luck next time, mean B.O. Lady!)

9:07 PM:
Arrive at the concert site, greeted by a section Jiffy Jerry’s (or whatever they’re called now) sponsored by 92 KQRS next to the saloon. Thousands of drunk people dancing, staggering, trying to keep their eyes open and their sour shirt smell fresh to the incoming public. I felt left out because I just showered before I left the 2 Beers Ranch. But the heat and humidity will give me the time and resources to catch up. AN IMPORTANT MESSEGE FROM THE JON: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MULLET IS ALIVE AND WELL AT MOONDANCE JAM, NO NEED TO PANIC, THERE ARE PLENTY TO GO AROUND! REPORTS OF IT’S DEMISE WERE GREATLY EXAGGERATED!

9:09 PM:
38. Special is on stage, rockin’ the place, awesome performance. I was wondering what happened to Diamond Dallas Page. He plays guitar for 38. Special now! Kimberly must be around somewhere! (Excuse my nerd wresting references… and for those of you who don’t know who DDP is… you betta ax somebody! [Lameness still intact])

9:22 PM:
After roaming around, checking out the sites, Mr. and Mrs. The Jon finally find a spot right of the stage, dodging stumbling drunks with no shirts who obviously forgot to put on sun block and had no idea what a sit up is. Killer times. Killer times.

9:34 PM:
Mrs. The Jon wants something to eat so we leave our spot and go to the food area and find a stand full of the Russian Mafia. I had no idea what they were saying at all. All I wanted was fries and a pop, I wasn’t ordering a hit on somebody. This guy sounded like Ivan Drago:

Russian Mafia Counter Guy: Uy. You vant f’dies and pipsi. 8 tokens.

The Jon: Tokens?

Russian Mafia Counter Guy (looking like he wants to avenge the Drago loss to Rocky on me): Ova they’a. You git tokens, then you git f’dies and pipsi.

The Jon (hoping he didn’t soil his husky’s): Okay.

9:49 PM:
After a few minutes of more roaming, taking in the sites, we find the line for buying tokens and it’s longer than balls! Like they were giving away free beer!

10:12 PM:
So after waiting in line while being suffocated by the sour shirt smell, we get our tokens. $1 for one. I feel like a foreigner in a strange land with this fancy currency. Then I realize; $8 for a pop and fries?! Gaaaaaaaaw damn! Git the f*** outta here! Somebody’s making money.

10:30 PM:
38. Special wraps up their set and the crowd is buzzing with anticipation for the arrival of Lynyrd Skynyrd. For the next 30 minutes or so, by far, the worst singer of all time (even worse than The Jon) gets on stage with songs that go; “Yeah, yuh, yup, noooo, hey, oooooh- oh, i-eeeee, aye, oh wah…” and so on and so forth. The worst set of the night. So bad, he wasn’t even on the list of performers. (Mrs. The Jon informs me that was the mic check guy. My bad.) Is it me, or do all white people look the same? I mean, I think I saw about 52 Larry the Cable Guys, Jeff Foxworthy and his whole clan, a few John Kruks, a handful of Dale Earnhardt Srs. (R.I.P.) and a few members of Reno 911.

10:59 PM:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN; LYNYRD SKYNYRD
The Kings of the Late Nite Drinkers have arrived. Awesome. They killed, man. From what I saw. I left early to avoid traffic and go to the casino to donate to the Leech Lake Band of Chippewa. Killer time.

All-Star Dream continued...

I don't remember the rest of the dream... BUT I JUST NOW DID ACQUIRE MOONDANCE JAM 14 (www.moondancejam.com) TICKETS!!! WOOHOO!!! So that's where I'll be with thoughts and updates on it throughout the weekend... it will be "The MDJ Chronicles: WTF". I'm out! TURN UP THE SKYNYRD!!!

An All-Star Experience

Okay, quick! I only have a few minutes! As I sat at my desk swamped with many, many important tasks this morning (okay, none), fatigue began to set in and I quickly found myself in the deepest nap known to man... you, know, due to the enormous amount of work I have been doing lately.

Anyway, I ended up at the Major League Baseball All-Star Celebration of all places! I must've been a very good boy this year for such a reward. It turns out my REZ's paper wanted to send me to Detroit to see if I was capable of handling such an assignment. Apparently, they read my request a few months back when I offered my services to cover the Super Bowl next year in the "City of...", wait... what the hell is Detroit called? Hmm... let me thin-- MOTOWN!!! How could I forget that?! (IDIOT!) Yeah, I found myself in Motown scopin' out the sights, mostly the cheapest bar I could find... for the company of course, not the alcohol. With this being my first trip to Detroit, I needed a guide. And who do think that guide was??? Emilio Estevez! The Mighty Duck Man himself! I swear to god, I was shouting out the "Breakfast Clubbers" name. I was like, "EMILIOOOOOO!!!" (Quick, what movie was that on? Anyone?) Yup, me and "The E-Z-E" cruisin' the streets of Motown like it was 1985 all over again, owning the city. Then after my mom sent some bail money to get us out (Emilio actually thought it was 1985 and began gettin' too touchy-feely with the ladies, thus the need for bail money), we headed to Comerica Park for the Celebrity Softball Game, which didn't include The Jon or my new best pal Emilio Ziegfried Estvez (The E-Z-E... get it?). But we did manage to get into the festivities because of my slight resemblence to Cedric the Entertainer. I didn't get that one either because 1.) I'm a Native American Boy, and B.) Why would Ced be hanging out with Emilio Estevez after having the lovely Gabrielle Union play Alice to his Ralph Cramden in "The Honeymooners"?! But I didn't argue with the guy at the gate, so off we went. Apparently, Emilio had a lot more to drink at the bar than I thought. He folded up against a corner, which led to this exchange:

Emilio: Hold up, man. I gotta shoe my ties! They keep falling off...

Me: Uh... you're wearing cowboy boots!

Emilio(slowly fading into the corner... literally): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

So my journey contiued without "The E-Z-E".

My few minutes are up for now. I guess I had a lot more time than I thought. But my All-Star experience will continue later. I'm out!

All Aboard, Mother Effers!

What's next for the world? Terrorists are trying to take over the world yet again. Dennis has wreaked havoc down south. So many horrible things to mention, but, that's not what I do, bro! I'm hear to spread cheer... like mother f*****n' Santa Claus! Well, maybe Mr. Kringle wouldn't use those exact words, but, whatever. Not much to report, just trying to stay out of this heat, which has been crippling my plans lately. Come to think of it, I did the same thing I would normally do like lay around, gain as much weight as possible in my quest to become the fattest man alive and blame society for my lack of American currency. Which, by the way, will not become a factor in my life anymore. Apparently, world domination comes with its perks like a buttload of scratch(STILL my lame term for money that STILL hasn't caught on with the Native American public). The train headed for world domination is about to leave, folks! I just haven't figured which world I want to dominate yet. Any thoughts? If you'll excuse me now, I'm off to do some research on dominating. And by the way, yes, I am very bored at work. I'm out!

Howah Makwa!

"I'm a maaaaaaniac, maaaaaaaniac on the floor... and I'm dancin' like I never danced befooorrre!!!" Alright, with the obligatory "Tommy Boy" reference out of the way, let's blog! Got damn I'm lame! Fresh off of 6 days of doing absolutely nothing but coaching to a 4th place finish and cutting grass, I'm ready to take over the world again. Who's gonna help? Huh? C'mon! No takers? Fine. But anyway, it's been a nice stress-drama-free week. Why can't the rest of my days go this smoothly? I saw a butt-load of movies the past week, with "War of the Worlds" being... well, alright, I guess. I expected so much more. But if there is ever an alien invasion, I'm gonna be right behind Tom Cruise. Will he ever quit trying to put everybody in the Scientology state of mind? "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" was pretty good too. I was very surpised about how much I liked it. It made me think that a Native perspective on life is due soon... I mean a real look on life. None of the "Hollywood Injins" stuff we see today. We're not like that! Are we? Then again, that's how Minnesotans were when "Fargo" came out. But someone should show how we "rrrrrrrilly" are, how we all think, act, judge and walk like we are the original rulers of this country... wait, we are. That's all I have for the time being, I have to go back to "work". I'm still coming for YOU! Hoh, I'm scary, eh? Later.