Me At the Imaginary Globes

012006
1205 Hours

The past week has been good to me. School is looking promising this semester, the tax season is here and tax credits rule, and my creativity has been working overtime. I have the opening scene of my soon to be written then filmed movie dancing in my head. The soundtrack to it will be, in the words of Jeff Spiccoli, AWESOME… TOTALLY AWESOME! It’s good to be alive.

While these thoughts were going through my head, I couldn’t help but visualize my impending fame with the Golden Globes awards being on the other night. Honestly, I don’t want to be famous. I just want to entertain people with my writing. But if praise and numerous awards were to come along with that, who am I to turn it away? So, the next few paragraphs are a sample of what would happen if I were famous and was asked to be at this soiree with all of the rich and famous of the entertainment world. Could Hollywood handle a wild “Rez Boy” from Red Lake? Probably not.

2:02 pm

After a late night of flying in from Canada, where “The Book of Jon” is being filmed, I was pushed out of the enormous hotel bed by Mrs. The Jon and ordered to get ready. Not asked politely because of my impending Hollywood fame and fortune, but ordered by a wife who knew me for being a lazy, underachieving slacker from the mean streets of Hooterville.

“Do I have to shower?” I asked my already dressed wife and looking like a hundred bucks ($100 is a lot of money for me) I must add.

“We are going to the biggest party in the world with the most beautiful, rich people we’ll ever see in our lifetimes,” she replied.

“Cool. My hair doesn’t look that bad.”

“Get in the shower!” my lovely wife so gracefully hollered.

2:59 pm

Minutes before our car is to arrive, Mrs. The Jon has just finished her hair and is not amused at me watching TV getting updates about the world we are about to embark on.

“You’re still not ready?!”

“It’s coo, bro. I was just getting in the shower. Besides, I was doing research on how to go about mingling with the rich and famous,” I told her.

“By watching sports?” she asks unimpressed. “Just hurry up and get in the shower.”

3:26 pm

With visions of beauty such as Eva Longoria, Scarlett Johanson and Mariah Carey dancing in my head, Mrs. The Jon notices I’m daydreaming on our way downstairs to our ride and tells me to keep my eyes up and off of others or else. I believe I don’t have to elaborate on what the “or else” is. God help me.

4:07 pm

As our car pulls up to the drop off spot where all the cameras, fans and all the other stuff are, the publicists that are with us give us final instructions on how to handle everything to no avail because I am overwhelmed by it all.

4:11 pm

We get out of the car and, to my surprise, people actually know who I am. I did Jimmy Kimmel once a couple months ago and I must’ve made quite an impression on the public. Good for me, I say.

4:16 pm

Along the red carpet, I get so many questions at one time I’m not sure if I answered the right one and wonder if that is how tabloid stories get started. Realizing that I’m putting too much thought into that, I carry on. I was off to speak to some Izaak guy who I saw just feel up Scarlett Johanson a few minutes ago, asked me to come up and tell him who I’m wearing and if I’m wearing underwear. Dumbfounded, I look at the publicist, having no idea what name he just said. The only thing I could think of was, “How YOU doin’?” Not very original, but effective nonetheless. One thing I took away from that was if I were to pretend I was gay, could I feel up hot Hollywood chicks too? For some reason Mrs. The Jon read that thought in my head and I was given a dirty look that lasted until she got a glimpse of Johnny Depp.

4:20

As we were walking further down the red carpet, the same Johnny Depp came up to us and told me how he read my script and loved the humor in it and wished me luck. After nearly charming the $5,000 dress off of Mrs. The Jon, he was on his way. My wife will never be the same.

And that’s lunch time, people! Hopefully inspiration will bless me with its presence again soon so I can finish this. I didn't proof read any of this, so forgive the mistakes. Rock and roll!

I Return to You

011506
1322 Hours

12 days have passed and I now realize how ineffective my words are to the blogworld. Do I mean nothing to this world I’ve come to embrace like a favorite pair of old school adidas shoes? In that I mean this being something that I know will always be there for me. A comfort that will never go away, no matter what I say or what I do, both hear me without judging. God bless you, shoes and blogs! Okay, maybe I put a little too much thought into that. I just made that up right now without even thinking! I am sooooo smart! Maybe I should just stop talking, sit the next couple plays out.

Okay… it has passed. Now I have a confession to make. I have fallen off the wagon. For weeks I stayed away from it like the plague. But, in the end, I needed it. It needed me. Now I have to start over, but can I? The failure is too much for me to overlook. Curse you, soda pop! Curse you to heck!

For 3 weeks I went without pop. I was tested and I failed miserably. One drink was all it took. Like Frank the Tank said, “Once it hits your lips it tastes so good.” Maybe he meant some other form of chemically altered water, but nonetheless, it did. Alcohol will never be an issue with me like that. It’s the only thing that I can guarantee in my life.

Over the past few weeks, many things have come to my attention. First of all, it looks like MySpace is the place to be. I have a MySpace page that is rarely used just so I could look cool. No luck. But my heart is with Blogger. Like Rod Tidwell stayed with Jerry Maguire, I shall pledge my allegiance to Blogger. Second, I never knew Red Lake had rappers! How could I not know that? Well, I don’t go anywhere so how could I know? Now I feel bad about trying to take down the whole hip-hop world that society is in love with. But in the end I wish those guys the best of luck. Another thing going on is Red Lake Radio being in full swing. Personally, I haven’t listened to it that much but it sounds like it’s doing well. So congratulations go out to Mr. Dawg and his staff. Good job, little fella.

Questions rolling around in my head the past couple of weeks:

Will Guns N’ Roses be as awesome as they were when they left if they ever come back?

Has anyone been as inspired by “Entourage” as much as I have? I mean, this show makes me want to succeed in the movie bizz. It’s pushing at “The Sopranos” as my favorite show of all-time (only because it’s been almost 2 years since I’ve seen a new episode of Tony and the family…. 2 months away from new eps!). Long live Johnny Drama!

Does it take a long time to write a movie script?

Would Red Lake be cringing if I were to write about the “Rez Life?” I know I will be.

Oh, man it feels good to write meaningless stuff again. I could do this all day if I were uninterrupted. Speaking of being uninterrupted, I should do something creative. Maybe I could write a screenplay, use my imagination to go on a trip to the Golden Globes tomorrow, or write something just to pass the time like I am doing right now. Maybe I’ll do all. We’ll see how long this burst of creativity lasts. Rock and roll!

Giggitty, Giggitty, Giggitty!

010306
1553 Hours

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years, motherf******!!!

After a few weeks without venting, I’m about to explode!

While I’ve only been back in the workforce for a mere 17 months, I wonder why we can’t have the school vacations! Man, this is some bullsh**! A few weeks off isn’t going to hurt anybody! I can’t wait until I rule this world.

I nailed that “Narnia” prediction didn’t I? Once again, what the hell do I know?

I am now officially retiring from the prediction game. At least I won’t share them. I’ll just take credit when they do happen like everybody else.

Little girls smell nothing like sugar and spice and everything nice. Mine don’t anyway.

Even though my NBA boycott has been lifted, I don’t think I’ve sat through one quarter of one game yet. You’re going down, attention hungry, spoiled, punk, wannabe rappers!!! Don’t laugh, hip-hop, you’re next! I took down boybands, I can do the same to you. Well, maybe not just me… but that’s not the point! You’re going down suckers!

Speaking of influential lifestyles, would there be a less sensitive term for being a Native? For some reason I’m thinking of calling the way I live, “Straight Sav.” Hmm… interesting topic. Actually, I don’t live like that anymore. All I do is stay home, play games, watch TV, and catch hell. So the term no longer applies to me.

Since I’m on the subject of lifestyles, it has been over 6 months since my last taste of alcohol, 17 days since my last sip of pop, and 8 days since my last sample of candy. You would think the weight would be melting off. But with me being a little light on the height side (hey that rhymed!), it’s going to be a while until a significant loss is noticed. Another thing, back when I was eating like it was going out of style for fun (a sober man needs many hobbies), I expected the weight to jump on right then and there, but apparently, it takes time to take the full effect. So I just recently have been feeling the hurt of my binge. FOR CHRIST’S SAKES, IT WON’T STOP!!!

But now everything is under control and I think I am officially maxed out.

And with those words, I am officially on a diet. What a depressing thought. Well, it’s not really a diet, more of an awakening. I’ve seen the error of my old ways. From this day forth, no more beer (and anything that falls under that category), pop, or sweets (and everything that falls under that category… with one exception; ice cream.)

May God give me the strength to overcome these vices of a once sin-filled (and sometimes fun) lifestyle. Rock and roll!