One On One With God
021108
2107 Hours
God (in the year 2078)
"And you, Mr. Roberts, what did you do with your first 31 years of life?"
Jon R. (just through those pearly gates after saying "what's up" to Elvis)
Holy fuck! What didn't I do?! First I got borned...
God
Borned? What an idiot. Just tell me without trying to sound smart.
Jon R.
Well you sent me to a single mother on the south side of Minneapolis... I want to thank you for that BTW... my dad wasn't allowed to hangout with me 'cause muh grammuh wasn't too found of the feller I was 'sposed to call daddy. So it was just me and my ma for the first few years o'life. While growing up in the Projects, I learned a few things about life in the city...
God (interrupting Jon)
Ok, ok, ok... I think you've spelled that out to the whole world in your stupid blogs over the years. Start with your teen years. What did you do and what did you learn?
Jon R.
Oh man, those were the days, man. I remember we and my friends would all try and get enough money for a liter of Southern Comfort during the high school years. We'd get drunk and do all kinds of stupid things. We'd race on the highway, stay out all night, snake out or puke on each other. At the time it was fun. No hangovers at all. I also heard a smart man once say about being young that "You just gotta keep on livin' man... L-I-V-I-N." So that's what me and the bro's did, just kept on L-I-V-I-N.
God
So you took life lessons from a character in a stoner movie that was a possible predator? Real smart. That's why it took you so long to grow up, idiot.
Jon R.
Hey man, just 'cause you run this whole Heaven place doesn't mean to get to call me an idiot!
God
I'm calling you an idiot because you were an idiot, idiot.
Jon R. (crossing his arms, turning away and looking up with his eyes closed)
Hmmph.
God
Please, continue or else you won't get to hang out with Farley.
Jon R.
Well, senior year was what I'd been waiting for since I could remember. 1994 was the best year ever, personally, other than 2008 when the Cubs won the World Series. I couldn't wait to get outta school and just party all the time... like Eddie Murphy. I was gonna get a job after I graduated, get my own place with the bros and just party! Isn't that what life is about, man?
God
Uh, no.
Jon R.
Well, that's all I thought about, man. You put a brotha on a Rez, what else do think he's gonna think about? That's all that I saw around Red Lake. Everybody was drinking or smoking weed. Everybody. Even people you would never imagine. It seemed like every time I went to a party, I would always say "I didn't know his/her old ass smoked weed."
God
You drank a lot, and I mean a lot... why didn't you smoke?
Jon R.
I have no idea. I guess it was just seeing the way some people coughed so hard, nodding their heads after taking a vicious "toke" and them considering that a GOOD THING didn't seem like something I would enjoy. Besides, I barely had enough money to drink.
God
Poverty SAVED someone from drugs. I do believe that is a first.
Jon (looking away, covering his mouth and whispering)
Asshole.
God
So take me through the last few months of high school and up to the rest of your adult life. And I heard that. Asshole.
Jon
Oh man. Where do I start?
God
High school, perhaps.
Jon R.
Oh yeah. Well, the parties, man, were awesome. I think the fact that I didn't get hangovers increased the potential to blank out. That's not a scientific theory, just something I learned. But anyhoo, I drank and drank 'cause it was senior year. Party after party. Every now and then someone would snake out on someone or lay out at the most unfortunate time and get his ass left, which was quite common. Apparently, Native Americans are prone to act different when they're hopped up on the fire water. Yet another lesson learned. There were times I could barely stand myself up, so I'm told. It was all in the name of good fun, right? Am I right? High five! (no takers for the high five proposal, just a frown of disgust.)
God
And that didn't teach you anything?
Jon
Hell no! Oops. Can I say that to you?
God
You shouldn't.
Jon R.
Sorry, bro.
God
You shouldn't call me bro either. Your people like to refer to me as "The Creator." Didn't you pay attention to Donnie Applebee when he told you those stories in elementary?
Jon R.
Not really.
God
I guess people really do need directions on life. Idiots.
Jon R.
But anyway, some times parties weren't awesome. There were times when I'd be out, I'd see some familiar faces I hadn't seen in a while. I'd talk with them for a bit, then I'd feel sorry for them.
God
Why?
Jon R.
I don't know. When I was younger, I looked up to most of them and it looked like they weren't taking over the world like it looked like they were supposed to. At the time I never thought that that's how I was gonna end up. My initial plan was to get off the Rez, get my own place, go to college, party, and get a kick ass job so I could party all the time, like Eddie Murphy, and spend my millions on expensive toys. I wasn't going to end up like them. Times were different, I told myself. I was gonna take the world by storm like Coolio and Luke Perry did, man!
God
And how did that work out... bro?
Jon
I could've used a little tinkering on the plan. I ended up working, not really giving college much of a thought. All I wanted to do was go to work, make it to payday and par-tay!
God
I saw you partied. There were a few times when you almost ended up besides me and you didn't even realize it. You have no idea.
Jon R.
Really?
God
Yup. You hang around the wrong people enough, something will happen.
Jon R.
You're depressing me. Will you allow me to continue?
God
By all means.
Jon R.
Cool. So I had a summer job working for a scholarship, cutting grass, picking up garbage, you know... like community service but they paid me $4.25 an hour. At the time, those were some righteous bucks. Bought me lots of stuff I didn't need. Good times.
After that I started a sweet job dealing blackjack at a casino. I figured I'd do that, save some money and maybe go to college after a year or so. But little did I know that casino employees liked to party. Who woulda thunk it? So I partied more. Same shit, different peeps. I partied my socks off... literally. Word 'round the campfire was I took my socks off every time I layed out. Not as good times. I partied so hard sometimes that I would forget where I parked my navy blue 1985 Monte Carlo with the Kelly Charger tires and chrome rims. I rarely felt that sick before. This is getting a little depressing.
God
You think? Continue with this tale and see how it plays out.
Jon R.
I'd rather not.
God
You mean you don't want to relive those days as a young father that drank too much and put the mother of you children through he--, uh, heck?
Jon R.
Not really.
God
Tough shit. Continue.
2107 Hours
God (in the year 2078)
"And you, Mr. Roberts, what did you do with your first 31 years of life?"
Jon R. (just through those pearly gates after saying "what's up" to Elvis)
Holy fuck! What didn't I do?! First I got borned...
God
Borned? What an idiot. Just tell me without trying to sound smart.
Jon R.
Well you sent me to a single mother on the south side of Minneapolis... I want to thank you for that BTW... my dad wasn't allowed to hangout with me 'cause muh grammuh wasn't too found of the feller I was 'sposed to call daddy. So it was just me and my ma for the first few years o'life. While growing up in the Projects, I learned a few things about life in the city...
God (interrupting Jon)
Ok, ok, ok... I think you've spelled that out to the whole world in your stupid blogs over the years. Start with your teen years. What did you do and what did you learn?
Jon R.
Oh man, those were the days, man. I remember we and my friends would all try and get enough money for a liter of Southern Comfort during the high school years. We'd get drunk and do all kinds of stupid things. We'd race on the highway, stay out all night, snake out or puke on each other. At the time it was fun. No hangovers at all. I also heard a smart man once say about being young that "You just gotta keep on livin' man... L-I-V-I-N." So that's what me and the bro's did, just kept on L-I-V-I-N.
God
So you took life lessons from a character in a stoner movie that was a possible predator? Real smart. That's why it took you so long to grow up, idiot.
Jon R.
Hey man, just 'cause you run this whole Heaven place doesn't mean to get to call me an idiot!
God
I'm calling you an idiot because you were an idiot, idiot.
Jon R. (crossing his arms, turning away and looking up with his eyes closed)
Hmmph.
God
Please, continue or else you won't get to hang out with Farley.
Jon R.
Well, senior year was what I'd been waiting for since I could remember. 1994 was the best year ever, personally, other than 2008 when the Cubs won the World Series. I couldn't wait to get outta school and just party all the time... like Eddie Murphy. I was gonna get a job after I graduated, get my own place with the bros and just party! Isn't that what life is about, man?
God
Uh, no.
Jon R.
Well, that's all I thought about, man. You put a brotha on a Rez, what else do think he's gonna think about? That's all that I saw around Red Lake. Everybody was drinking or smoking weed. Everybody. Even people you would never imagine. It seemed like every time I went to a party, I would always say "I didn't know his/her old ass smoked weed."
God
You drank a lot, and I mean a lot... why didn't you smoke?
Jon R.
I have no idea. I guess it was just seeing the way some people coughed so hard, nodding their heads after taking a vicious "toke" and them considering that a GOOD THING didn't seem like something I would enjoy. Besides, I barely had enough money to drink.
God
Poverty SAVED someone from drugs. I do believe that is a first.
Jon (looking away, covering his mouth and whispering)
Asshole.
God
So take me through the last few months of high school and up to the rest of your adult life. And I heard that. Asshole.
Jon
Oh man. Where do I start?
God
High school, perhaps.
Jon R.
Oh yeah. Well, the parties, man, were awesome. I think the fact that I didn't get hangovers increased the potential to blank out. That's not a scientific theory, just something I learned. But anyhoo, I drank and drank 'cause it was senior year. Party after party. Every now and then someone would snake out on someone or lay out at the most unfortunate time and get his ass left, which was quite common. Apparently, Native Americans are prone to act different when they're hopped up on the fire water. Yet another lesson learned. There were times I could barely stand myself up, so I'm told. It was all in the name of good fun, right? Am I right? High five! (no takers for the high five proposal, just a frown of disgust.)
God
And that didn't teach you anything?
Jon
Hell no! Oops. Can I say that to you?
God
You shouldn't.
Jon R.
Sorry, bro.
God
You shouldn't call me bro either. Your people like to refer to me as "The Creator." Didn't you pay attention to Donnie Applebee when he told you those stories in elementary?
Jon R.
Not really.
God
I guess people really do need directions on life. Idiots.
Jon R.
But anyway, some times parties weren't awesome. There were times when I'd be out, I'd see some familiar faces I hadn't seen in a while. I'd talk with them for a bit, then I'd feel sorry for them.
God
Why?
Jon R.
I don't know. When I was younger, I looked up to most of them and it looked like they weren't taking over the world like it looked like they were supposed to. At the time I never thought that that's how I was gonna end up. My initial plan was to get off the Rez, get my own place, go to college, party, and get a kick ass job so I could party all the time, like Eddie Murphy, and spend my millions on expensive toys. I wasn't going to end up like them. Times were different, I told myself. I was gonna take the world by storm like Coolio and Luke Perry did, man!
God
And how did that work out... bro?
Jon
I could've used a little tinkering on the plan. I ended up working, not really giving college much of a thought. All I wanted to do was go to work, make it to payday and par-tay!
God
I saw you partied. There were a few times when you almost ended up besides me and you didn't even realize it. You have no idea.
Jon R.
Really?
God
Yup. You hang around the wrong people enough, something will happen.
Jon R.
You're depressing me. Will you allow me to continue?
God
By all means.
Jon R.
Cool. So I had a summer job working for a scholarship, cutting grass, picking up garbage, you know... like community service but they paid me $4.25 an hour. At the time, those were some righteous bucks. Bought me lots of stuff I didn't need. Good times.
After that I started a sweet job dealing blackjack at a casino. I figured I'd do that, save some money and maybe go to college after a year or so. But little did I know that casino employees liked to party. Who woulda thunk it? So I partied more. Same shit, different peeps. I partied my socks off... literally. Word 'round the campfire was I took my socks off every time I layed out. Not as good times. I partied so hard sometimes that I would forget where I parked my navy blue 1985 Monte Carlo with the Kelly Charger tires and chrome rims. I rarely felt that sick before. This is getting a little depressing.
God
You think? Continue with this tale and see how it plays out.
Jon R.
I'd rather not.
God
You mean you don't want to relive those days as a young father that drank too much and put the mother of you children through he--, uh, heck?
Jon R.
Not really.
God
Tough shit. Continue.
posted by Jonny R. at 11:02 PM
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